I’m restless and bored and fairly apathetic most of the time these days, as I am now.  Exercise helps when I can do it.  I’m just not sure why I feel this way.  I feel like I think too much, or maybe it’s just that I think about the wrong things naturally.  I keep telling myself I will be strong like those I admire, that weakness is not becoming of anyone.  Sometimes I feel strong and I can shut everything out and just work and function how I like, but these times where I feel weak and bored and depressed keep coming back.  All of the sudden everything that bothers me will resurface in my mind and overcome me.  I hate myself for not being strong enough to forever keep it at bay, like I feel I should, like a person worthy of living should.

I know I should not be so hard on myself and that I should dismiss such negative thoughts and memories as they serve no good purpose.  I’ve written like this, and talked to friends and (some) family, and tried ton’s of different things to try and mold myself into what I want to be.  I want to stop being insecure and angry and depressed and lonely and paranoid.  I don’t want to hate anyone or feel any animosity towards them.  Even in the face of such arrogant, cruel and selfish people, I want to be able to brush it away, or to feel less anger towards them.

I’m not giving up though.  I think that may be key.  I will never give up on being a better person.  I just hope that in my efforts, better is what I become.

——————

So much is going on in my life right now.  Or at least it feels like it sometimes.  Family bickering with each other as usual, friends moving on to new and better things (like buying a home), myself trying to find a new job while the job I currently have is experiencing lots of changes too.   A small group of people at my work are trying to get the boss of my area fired so that someone they know can take it.  I would not have believed it if I didn’t see their tactics.  They are trying to make him seem incompetent by posting messages (on paper and in email) saying that our department has been notified of something.  As these messages are lies and our department is not, in fact, aware of them, the jobs are not completed and it makes our boss seem like he is not in control.

Anyone outside of my normal readers may think, “In such an institution as [University Name], such tactics should be rendered useless as a simple explanation from [my] boss would clear everything up”.   For the most part that is true, but as I am learning, the idea of a professional institution or group is only prevalent when viewed from afar.  Small talk and gossip are incredibly powerful things and people in power are no less biased than anyone else (hell, maybe more so!).  It might also be compounded by it location in a small hick town.  You know, the kind of people who super-religious and afraid of change.  Christianity being the religion and homophobia, superstitious nature, gossip and narrow-mindedness being the products.  One of the women there who is likely the most arrogant has “The Secret” propped up on her bookshelf as if to show it off.  There is just something about a person thinking that the reason they are in good standings in ANY walk of life is because they “thought positively” and “those thoughts became things” just irks me to no end.  Mainly because it insults everyone who has had a painful life or who lives in poverty, as if it’s their fault.  Don’t get me wrong, there are some people whose fault it may be, but this is not the majority.

This job is obviously not helping with my anger or depression issue, but luckily I work with some genuinely good people.  My first boss is an incredibly down-to-earth woman who seems genuinely concerned for those around her and loves simple things like gardening and drinking with friends (not to say she is a simple person).  My second boss (boss’s boss) is an older man (mid to late 50′s I believe) with a beard and a slightly round appearance that seems to accentuate his jolly nature.  He has a terrible tendency to talk over you and do so for extend periods of time (as if lecturing) but he is very knowledgeable on an odd variety of subjects.  He is a Christian as well, which is only rarely annoying, but the one thing I love about him so far (as a Christian) is that he tries his best to be as happy and nice and giving as he can be, even in spite of my… well my being an Atheist, and in spite of all of the people who antagonise him at work.

If every person who became a Christian acted like THAT, I would have one solid reason to believe.

My one co-worker also has a similarly happy nature.  She seems like a pleasure seeker/partier, and I think a byproduct of that may be her tendency to try to make others around her feel happy (emotionally, lol).  She wants to have a good time, and for everyone else to as well.  I have noticed this on days where I am VERY grumpy (putting it lightly); she usually tries to say something or do something to change the mood positively (in a sly manner).  It’s pretty nice and I usually try to change my mood because of it.

I work mainly with those three (3) people.  That has been my life for the last little while.  I do enjoy it, but my search for another job hasn’t ended.

Last night I went to a party with that girl from work.  I noticed that I’m still not really that good at small talk.  It’s like my mind goes blank and all I can think of are things like “how’s it going?”, “what do you do for a living/fun?” or something along those lines.  I really wish I liked hockey.  Hockey talk seems like an instant bond for a lot of people.  Sports in general I suppose.  I still tried and it was hit and miss but I’m glad I did it.  I’m not sure if it’s because of the depression or not, but I’m not really interested in picking up girls at bars.  I just want to have fun and drink, play pool, dance and do dumb drunk-people-things (like driving down a dirt road with 2 cars packed with friends shooting fireworks back and forth).  I never have really been into getting girls at bars (my fear of STD’s might have something to do with that) or going to strip clubs or making cat calls or doing a lot of “regular guy things”.  It makes me think that maybe I have a hormone imbalance or something.  I did grow up without any male role model in a family of 4 women (grandmother, mother, sister and aunt) and that also makes me think that.  I was taught that women want to be respected, feel loved and enjoy soft things.  Little did I know that women actually seem to like being treated poorly and like the bad boy.  Lol, the first date I ever went on (a silly one in grade 5) the girl actually dumped me afterward because I didn’t put the moves on her.  Can you believe that?  GRADE 5.  It was a little confusing at the time.  I remember the movie though.  It was Rush Hour (I think the first one) with Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker.  On the positive side I didn’t miss any of the movie. =P

Today I have no idea what else I will do.  I think I will go for a walk to the store and then read and play my new game “Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box”.  I do love this game so much.  No only do I love puzzles, but there is something about the English accent and mannerisms that I find comically entrancing.  I think it may be that I find it to be so stiff and regal and yet at the same time many of the words (especially cockney slang) seem ridiculous in contrast.  I suppose I could call those words “bouncy”?  I’m not sure.  I can’t really explain why I find a lot of things funny.

In two more days I see Leah!  I bet she will have lots to tell me once she returns.  I’m also really excited to see her again as I haven’t had much contact with her for almost 3 weeks I think.  Ah, that reminds me.  I have a picture I want draw.

So I finally have a job now.  6 months of nothing and now I have a job that I can at least start to build some funds up with.  Not sure whats going to happen in 2-3 months, but I guess I will wait until that comes to worry about it.

Life kinda sucks right now.  Lots of old and new things coming and going.  Confusion and anger are very common for me now.  Well, they have been anyways.  I’m doing a lot better now.  I can sleep generally okay, I’m eating again and I haven’t cried in a while.  I hate how that last one sounds.  Crying feels so humiliating to me.  My job is going very well, lots of exercise and a nice atmosphere.   My money has finally stopped diminishing.  Now I just have to stop spending so much (mainly on food).  I’ve been baking like crazy since I got to Athabasca.  I figured out that it clears my head better than anything else I do.  When I bake, I can think of nothing else but what I’m baking/cooking/steaming.  It’s a very nice release.  Most of the stuff I have made has turned out really well too.  I’ve already done, fudge twice, Pumpkin Flan twice, pretzels once, cheezy garlic tea biscuits once, blondie brownies and banana bread once.  Tonight I think I will make up some special Rice pudding (special because I will put raisens in it, which I normally do not do… gasp!).

More on the good side I am getting to see a friend I haven’t seen for a while, more often.  She comes up and we play Halo: ODST and bake and go to the mall or drink coffee by the river and other things of the like.  She has been pretty good about my situation too (having just broken up with someone).  We are just friends right now (despite our past history).  Neither of us know what we are doing either (I could be in Austrialia in 3 months, or some where equally far) and getting back together and then having the original reason we broke up causing us to break up again would seem kind of… silly.

- Josh

Realizing how precious it is may make you waste it in fear.